Sorry no one’s sorry

Posted: May 20, 2011 in News
Tags: , , ,

Pictured above are the “Iran Hikers,” three Americans who were picked up by Iranian authorities as they were Iran. The two on the left have been imprisoned since July 31st, 2009,  and the woman to the right was only released this past September. The reason an article about these kooky kids has to begin with a recap of the situation is because the news coverage of this incident has been casual to put it nicely, and with good reason.

The reason? Let’s draw a quick parallel: during the Iran Hostage Crisis in 1979, 52 American citizens were detained  for 444 days in the American Embassy in Tehran. This obviously involved the same country and also dealt with captivity. Yet, the ’79 version dominated television and print news, even through a presidential election. The difference? The people in the  U.S. Embassy weren’t dicking around in the Middle East for kicks.

Here’s the Hikers’ story verbatim: whilst playing grab ass in Iraq [the country we’re at war with], they accidentally crossed the border into Iran [not our bff and the heir apparent to the business end of our cruise missile stockpile]. Then the Iranian government [which has a lengthy greatest hits list of human rights violations] threw them in jail, said they were spies and have taken their sweet time giving them a trial. That is literally every detail.

But let’s back up to the issue that started this entire mess, because one of two things is going on with the crossing the border bit; either they lack the competence with a map and compass to be hiking in the Middle East in the first place, or they’re lying about it being an accident that they crossed the border. The former speaks for itself but why would they do the latter? So glad you asked. While they don’t look like spies, they do look like hipsters; they’re skinny, the guys have sparse facial hair and they all have the smug smile of someone who just mentioned a band no one has heard of. That’s really half the uniform. They also behaved like hipsters, trying to be the first in their group to do something edgy and decidedly NOT mainstream. This is likely what they were hoping for, upon their safe return from Iran:

Cocktail Party Host Who Has No Idea What He’s In For: “Boy, that’s quite the situation in the Middle East, am I right?”

Hiker 1: [Smirks, cocks head slightly] “What do you mean?”

Host: “With…with the fighting.”

Hiker 2: [Laughs] “The American media does love their bloody portrayals, don’t they? You shouldn’t believe everything you hear. You know..we just got back from Iran.”

Host: “You’re kidding!”

Hiker 3: “In Farsi they don’t have a word for ‘kidding.’ Such a beautiful language.”

Host: …

"Why do I invite them?"

The problem is, now they have an even more unique, hipsterific tale of struggle. They’ll be truly insufferable now.

Look, you don’t have to leave the continental United States if you’re dying to walk around a desert. And they didn’t just throw a dart at a map and hit Baghdad. We don’t pity people who get mauled after jumping into the lion cage at the zoo. This is a worldwide version of that. Besides, this won’t be the first or last time a group of fuck-for-brains hippies get burned playing with fire, all in the name of being  “global citizens.” When they do comeback, they should be arrested for creating an international incident. What a kick in the nuts that would be!


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